Pieces of Trauma

This is my first post since being home from Virginia. The last five to six months have been very educational and from where I'm sitting now I can see that an ultimatum in life has been reached for me.

I'm the type of person that can put up with "getting by" at least for a bit. Then I go into this "busting out" type of feeling where I know for myself there's absolutely no way I can live a certain way. But then looking back on it, is it really me just "getting by"? Or is it I've decided to ignore a calling I fear?

I have been forced to take a whole week of work off, at first it was only three days, and that was bad enough. Then over labor day weekend I was involved in an accident on a moped which nearly took my life. By the grace of God I walked away from it on my own two feet with only a torqued neck and a really bad road rash...both of which I can live through. So here I am on another day off trying to recuperate. It's not a fun day...soon after I make this post I will be going to my second job that I've been trying to make happen and see if they will give me some hours. But if that doesn't work, I've decided to do as best as I can and go around my neighborhood selling my services as a window washer. Not glamorous by any means...but I'm tired of feeling as if I'm "getting by."

In my experience in VA I found out something very important. There's a lot of people "getting by." Ever since I was 13 I was determined to NOT be that type of person...strangely, I'm discouraged to find myself at 19 exactly that. And I think this morning was that kind of morning where I just decided, "I don't care how bad I feel" I'm going to make this life work. But it's not like I say this to have you all give me a pat on the back. That's the last thing I really want. I want to go DO it.

I'm not encouraging any of you to go out and DO anything at this point. Anyone can say, "You can do it!" But you can still ask yourself, "Do what?" I asked myself that a lot when people said that to me. Most of the time I felt like saying, "shut up" because I didn't know how to direct that encouragement...most of the time, the people that said it didn't either. I was really frustrated with that.

What I WILL encourage though is that when a time like I'm having now comes, don't run away from change simply because it might be crazy and uncomfortable. I did so many times. I've been very scared of what might happen to me if I actually step up and do something crazy that isn't just something that can be done in an afternoon. I mean, climbing up a stadium by the supports, driving 40 mph on a moped without any experience...those are crazy things that don't scare me too much, even with the possibility of getting hurt so in my face. But talk about being crazy as a lifestyle...like majorly changing your lifestyle to where you don't recognize the person you used to be...that can make me almost as scared as a nerd standing up in a fight against a football player. Not like I don't want to knock the kids block off...but I have a doubt that I actually can. That's where I can bring it back in my mind to God though, where the real power in real life actually is.

I have the opportunity to within this year make six figures and above. It involves taking the reigns of my own business, and it involves stepping out and selling my product. Am I afraid to talk to people? Am I afraid to sell? You can fill in the blank as to your own question to an ultimatum. But I think the biggest thing I'm afraid of is not failure...but success.

Failure is a comfortable thing in a way. It's predictable. You can always point to something that could have been...pointing back doesn't change anything. Pointing ahead to the future and making $100,000+ is a possibility but I have to change. I have to take the life I have now and radically make a change. I have to step into places of extreme discomfort, and I have to make risks. Scary stuff. Personally, I'd rather take on the football player...I know exactly what I can do with him. But I've spent the last few months trying to convince myself that I can also fight my way through this business deal.

Right now...I'm dead set on succeeding. I'm not really caring at this point if I'm stood up on a pedestal and laughed at. I'm dead tired of living the way I do. I'm sick of being sick and tired. I'm ready to do something hard. I'm ready for a change.

At this point, I would only encourage you to reach that ultimatum in your own life. Set yourself up against that own "calling" to be something greater and better, and don't back down. Or else you'll be looking for other things your whole life to become good in, and to force into that title of "calling"...but it won't be it and it'll feel like you missed it. I've spend about a year and a half now feeling as if I missed it. I know people who go their whole life feeling that with one justification or another. I think I'm done feeling that way...a year and a half was enough for me.

Getting to this point sometimes takes trauma...so in that way, I'm glad I'm in pieces right now. God has made me stronger for it, and through these pieces of trauma...I've found I'm dead set on a different type of life. Don't run from change.